Revelations. Part I

My mother was here in a day, Diana and Sarah were going to come along, but decided against it, my mother didn't want them here. I let her lie in my bed, so she was comfortable, she said she wanted to go out at home and this was as close as she could get. The only reason she chose me was because she had some "Business to attend to." I didn't exactly know her plan, but I was perfectly fine with it. With the kids in bed and Matt downstairs writing more reports I tiptoed into the room to give her some water.

She was wide awake. "Cait, why don't you sit down." She says, her voice scratchy and strained like its hard to talk. I sit down on the edge of the bed, my mother softly tucks my hair behind my ear, something I realize she's never done before, something she did so constantly for Sarah and Diana they didn't enjoy her touch, even though that's the only thing I craved. "I don't hate you, you know." She whispers. "I know mom.. We've been over this.." I whisper back patting her hand. "Caitlin, we've been over the lies, I've never told you the truth."

"The truth?" I ask out loud. "It's a long story.." My mother says, her hand slides under the blankets, I've lost her again. "We have time.." I whisper making eye contact. Her eyes flash, remembering a past I've never heard of, she sits up on the bed, lifting herself gingerly. "I don't know where to start.." She whispers, looking at her hands that are slightly shaking. "The beginning." I whisper, and for the first time in my entire life she listens to me.

"I had a whole different life, before you're father came into the picture. I know I told you girls, or I should say I told Diana and Sarah all about how happy my past was, but they were all lies, your father didn't even know the truth. Before your father I had a boyfriend."

"He was beautiful, bright hazel eyes, very similar to my mothers almost identical, he had a smile that melted everyone's heart, his hair flowed smoothly, and when we were together nothing could stand in our way. Back then I did things I'm not proud of, I hung out with the wrong crowd. I was an alcoholic, my boyfriends name was Jack he wasn't accepting of the alcohol one bit, so when I was around him I tried my best to be sober, but when you drink you have a stench, and with that stench comes bloodshot eyes, and shaking of the hands, he could always tell I was lying."

"When I was nineteen I got pregnant, it was Jacks child, and he couldn't have been more proud. He was frightened though, he didn't think I could stay sober enough to stay pregnant to full term, or to give birth to a healthy baby. He never left my side, that entire nine months. I wanted to abort the baby, or give it up for adoption, but he wouldn't hear it."

"On October 28th at 2:07 in the morning I gave birth to a baby boy. We named him Micheal. He was perfect. He had my fathers bright blue eyes, he had my smile, freckles, light brown hair, he was the definition of perfect. We took him home two days later. That's when Jack realized what I had done."

"After the first month I just couldn't do it anymore. I broke down and left for a few days to see my parents, I didn't go to their house though. I went three towns over, to the nearest drug store that I could find and I purchased a bottle of whiskey. That night I drank to oblivion. I downed four bottles of whiskey in the second night, I went home the third day with new clothes, eyedrops, and fake gifts from my parents. I did that every month, sometimes I left for a week other times it was a mere two days. Jack never found out."

"Until Michael started to have problems with progression. He couldn't walk or talk as well as other children his age. Jack took him to a pediatrician, and she ruled it to drinking during the pregnancy. Jack went crazy, when we got home he yelled at me and packed his things. He left for three weeks with Michael, when they came back I was dead to the world, drunk and passed out on the ground in a puddle of vomit. Jack cleaned me up and in the morning apologized."
"Jack left with Micheal multiple times, but when Micheal was four years old I wasn't getting any better with my drinking. Micheal would come up on me when I was throwing up and I'd try to swing at him. He was my perfect little boy, but I was turning him into my personal punching bag. One day Micheal came and laid on me when I was on the couch, hammered from the morning. He snuggled close to me, so close his eyes started to water at the stench of my breath. 'Mommy.' he said his voice sweet and almost silent, like the flutter of a butterfly wing.  I didn't respond to him. 'Mommy, I love you.' Micheal said, and he got up off of me. He kissed my forehead, and walked away. That was the last time I ever saw him."

"Jack took him somewhere, somewhere I could never reach him. He called me and texted me, I never responded to them though. One day he wrote me a letter. I read that letter every night, it was the reason I became sober, the reason I stayed sober. I could recite every single word of that thing, how Micheal was doing great, how Jack was sorry he left but glad he did it, but none of that matters. In that letter he said this exact thing, 'You can't hate a person until you love them. There are things that I wish I hadn't done, but one thing was this. I couldn't let Micheal love you, just to be crushed, I didn't want to him to begin to hate you, not for who you were, but who you promised you would be for him. I don't hate you either, I just hate what you became. I told you to choose between Michael and I, or alcohol. Your choice is clear as day. Have a nice life.' I haven't talked to him since, someone sent me Jack's eulogy he died almost nine years back. I don't know where Micheal is now, or what he's done with his life, but I hope its something that would make Jack proud."

"This might not mean anything to you Cait, but its the perfect example of why I couldn't love you as much as I did Diana and Sarah. You were the exact copy of Micheal, from you're features, to your complications.Hell your birthday is four days before Micheal's. I couldn't love you, because I thought that if I did you'd be ripped out from under me. You were too perfect for me to grasp, I didn't deserve you. I wanted another baby so badly, to replace you, to replace the void that Micheal had left on me, I wanted a boy, but when I got you, a perfect copy of Micheal I threw you away, and all you wanted was my love." My mother says. She cups my head in her hands.

"If something had to define perfection it would be you. I'm sorry." My mother whispered. My face was moist with tears, but I was full of hatred. "So, because of your sick, twisted, selfish ways you treated me like dirt. I did everything that was asked of me, even more to prove my worth, and that was what was driving you away." I say, still trying to grasp what my mother was telling me, I pulled away from her hands. "Well when you put it that way..." She whispers. "So, if I had died my hair, oh say black and wore contacts that made my eyes green or something and acted like a fumbling idiot, you would've loved me." I whisper. "Probably.." My mother says. "Well guess what, you lost perfection once, you're going to lose it again, if you don't love me for who I am then why even try at this point? I'm calling Diana first thing tomorrow morning, whether you like it or not, and one more thing, how could you hate me when you never took the time to love me?" I say and I stomp out of the room. I slink to the ground leaning on the wall and let the tears roll down my face.